At the end of July 2024, I received my last chemotherapy treatment. I was relieved to have been gifted the opportunity to make it to the end of that fight. The struggles that were encompassed in every round of it were exhausting, but as I exited the ring feeling victorious, I quickly discovered that I was entering into another .

Chemotherapy took a lot more out of me than I had realized. Immediately following my final treatment, I began running again. For my first run, I ventured out to a familiar location, Lake Merritt in Oakland, CA. For those unfamiliar with this location, Lake Merritt is a 5k loop that is an extremely popular location for walkers and runners. I’ve run this course thousands of times, but never did I struggle this much to complete the loop. About 2.5 miles into the run, my slow jog turned into a walk. At that point I realized how out of shape I had become over half a year of being sedentary. In the weeks that followed, I was slowly able to increase my running mileage and reduce the amount of walking during each run. I still have a long way to go before being race ready, but I’m being as patient as I can with the process.

Outside of running, I also have returned to work. I neglected to realize how physically taxing this adjustment would be as well. On the average day during chemo, my fitness tracker registered less than 2 miles of walking per day. Since I began working again, I’m averaging closer to 5mi/day even on the days that I don’t run. On top of this, chemo has left me with some physical impairments, that I pray are temporary, that have influenced my ability to perform some tasks. One of the medications I was taking was called oxaliplatin. One of the known side effects of this drug is neuropathy which is a lack of feeling in fingers and toes. Throughout my sessions, the neuropathy came and went for the most part a few days after taking it but since round 11, it’s been a constant feeling that has taken some adjustments to get through. I’ll be honest and say that I had anxiety about starting this blog because one of the most difficult tasks right now is typing. You don’t realize how much you rely on your sense of touch until you don’t have it. The keyboard feels completely foreign, and I find myself having to look at the keyboard and spellcheck my work much more than I ever have (if you knew how many corrections I’ve made to this sentence you’d be amazed).

As a writer and a runner, not having feeling in my fingers and toes has caused a high level of frustration in my day-to-day life. My 9-5 is mostly computer work which I frankly am struggling to perform at even half the speed that I used to. During chemo I wrote a poem called “Exercising Patience”. What I didn’t know at the time is that level of patience would be prolonged as I’ve been forced to be extremely forgiving of self. While the chemotherapy treatments have ceased, I’m not who I once was, but none of us are who we were yesterday. Studies show that in approximately 80% of neuropathy cases caused by oxaliplatin, the effects alleviate over time. For the remaining 20%, it becomes permanent. My optimism hasn’t changed which forces me to remain patient as the circumstances improve. I’m regularly having acupuncture treatments administered in my arms and legs to aid in the healing process.

One of the phrases I often use is, “play the hand you are dealt”. I managed to bluff my way out of my fight with “the visitor”. I’m positive I can handle the remnants of symptoms he left behind. I wake up every day grateful to be here and excited to face the challenges before me. I’d be lying if I said I don’t have moments where I’m cussing under my breath, but I get though them the best I can. I drop things a lot. I think I have a firm grip on things, but then I glance down to discover that my grasp had released it twenty steps ago. I guess in a way, it’s kind of like life. We think we have a grip on things until reality sets in. As much as some of us want to be, we are not in control and our grasp of reality is constantly fleeting as our higher power reminds us of our level of significance.

Chemo was a large slice of humble pie. My current fight is digesting what just happened and adjusting my own expectations of myself to my current capacity. I’ve been told that the neuropathy can last 12-18 months after treatment is done, so in the meantime, I’ll keep playing the hand dealt, bluffing through what some may deem as the shitty hands and continue to move forward.

This is my current uphill battle. This is my opportunity for growth. Life's balance lies in between the acceptance of its polar opposites. I've accepted the challenge and the discomfort that comes in the multipack. I firmly believe that our growth often occurs amidst our turmoil.

The rounds continue in a new arena. I have 3 months before the Honolulu marathon where I aim to qualify for the Boston Marathon. To do so, I will need to run about 7 minutes per mile 26 times consecutively. I'm excited for every step ahead of me, thankful for the ones behind me and in gratitude for exactly where I am right now. The journey continues…

#EnjoyTheJourney

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